How to Talk to Kids About Anything by Robyn Silverman

Author:Robyn Silverman [Silverman, Robyn]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Sourcebooks

Blended Families

Blended families have become incredibly common as divorced, previously single, and widowed parents date, remarry, and mesh their families together. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, about one in six kids are living in blended families—that is, a household with a stepparent, stepsibling, or half sibling. Hispanic, Black, and white children are uniformly likely to live in a blended family.39

Blended families have some unique challenges related to their family structure. They must deal with any pain from the divorce and past relationship, the complexities of new relationships, and the unique obstacles that come with creating one family from two. As parents and stepparents (or “bonus parents,” if you are using family-positive language), we need to step up and have important conversations with our kids about fear, loss, inclusion, empathy, and connection that tie the binds between biological family members and new family members—all while dealing with our own frustrations and feelings.

“There’s absolutely no blending, no co-parenting, no being a great person, unless you do the self-work,” says Mashonda Tifrere, author of Blend: The Secret to Co-Parenting and Creating a Balanced Family, regarding how her family with ex-husband, Swizz Beatz, and his wife, Grammy Award–winning singer Alicia Keys, created a parenting team.40 Of course, nobody says it’s easy, but it certainly has its advantages when everyone works together for the good of the child. “Blending is a lifestyle,” Tifrere said. “We all win if we can raise mindful, loving, and empathetic children,” and “that process starts at home with parents and caregivers. By saving our families, we save our present and our future.”41

In the How to Talk to Kids about Anything podcast, I spoke to Ron Deal, coauthor of Building Love Together in Blended Families, about two tough issues regarding blended families:42

As a stepparent or “bonus parent,” I don’t know what to do when the kids start talking about their deceased parent in front of me. Should I stay? Should I leave? Should I join in?Explanation: While you may never have met your “bonus children’s” deceased parent, being present while the kids talk about that special person can show kindness, affection, and empathy. In fact, it’s a real act of love when you allow the kids to talk about the parent they lost in front of you.

Sample script: “Wow, he was a great guy. I really wish I could have met him. Tell me that story again about when he did that funny thing!” Sit with them when they are sad, and give them space when they want to be alone.

Final word: Deal says, “When you enter that sad place with them, they will see you as respectable, honorable, and worthy of being close to, as they can trust you with the hard stuff.” In addition, you are showing them that what’s important to them is also important to you. After all, their deceased parent is part of them and always will be.

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